the peacefull of siLence
05:31 PM, April 25, 2004 .. 0 comments .. Link
Aku dengan Mak tidak rapat. Mungkin sebab semasa aku kecil aku ni
tomboy, tak reti meleseh dan aku suka membawa diri. I love to be alone and
found refuge in books .. if I wasn't up the tree or down in the drain ikut abg pergi tangkap ikan kira itu bukan aku.
Aku tidak pernah ingat if aku pernah merajuk atau kecil hati semasa kecil.
Mak was from the old school, kalau aku nakal tak reti duduk diam / hyperactive ), zass.!$% akan dicubitnya peha aku.
Aku tak penah merajuk but bila AKU marah ..aku kayuh basikal and bawak diri. THAT I remember,
and I was fourteen masa tu ! Kelam kabut orang tua aku carik dgn motor kapchai abg bila aku tak balik
sampai magrib..but, mak tak marah kat aku. Apa lagi pukul aku.
Walaupun Mak was not demonstrative of her affections, aku tahu dia
amat menyayangi aku. Mungkin sebab dia sudah masak dengan perangai
aku ni, dia tidak mudah melatah dan sentiasa cool.
Mungkin aku kena mewarisi sikap ini dari dia di dalam menghadapi kerenah anak-anak..hehe
Disebabkan aku tomboy .. maka seharusnya lah aku tidak suka perkara-perkara
yang berkaitan dengan kewanitaan ,..seperti memasak, menjahit, mekap,fesyen
dan sewaktu dengannya. Mak relax jer. Tak de nak berleter kat aku suruh
masuk dapur or pakai pakaian yang feminine. Tapi ayah aku yang selalu lebih, suka paksa aku
duduk dapur, cuci pinggan belajar masak nasi. Aku buat tapi terpaksa.
Namun aku mula belajar memasak bila aku di Form One .. itu pun masak
jemput-jemput (cekodok to some of us). Aku bukan belajar dengan Mak,
tetapi dari rakan Girl Guides aku. Semasa camping, aku "heran"kawan-kawan
sebaya aku terrer memasak .. hatta hanya memasak sardin, lempeng dan jemput-jemput.
Bila aku perhatikan mereka dan di rumah, aku cuba buat sendiri .
Mak hanya bertanya : Ko belajar masak ni kat mana?
Aku dengan bangganya menjawap " kat camping laa. Tulah Mak tak bagi
orang pergi camping, kita belajar macam-macam kat situ "
Mak was a housewife. Dia pandai memasak dan menjahit .
Memasak tu, boleh lah setakat nak bagi orang makan.Mak tidak pernah
menyuruh aku masuk dapur .. if she needs help, dia akan tanya aku dulu
kau tengah buat apa tu ?" which, all of the time I was reading. "
I would reply, and that was the end of it. Mak tidak akan menganggu aku bila aku membaca.
Di waktu aku kecil, tak ada washing machine, or blandder untuk menghancurkan cili, semua kena buat
sendiri, aku selalu perhatikan mak mencuci kain berbesen-besen sampai basah baju mak. Kadang bila tak ada air
mak terpaksa mengangkut air di pili depan kampung aku, berulang-alik mak angkat air nak cuci pakaian kami.
Cili pulak terpaksa digiling menggunakan batu giling, masa aku standard five aku selalu perhatikan mak giling cili.
I stayed home until Form Five before I left to KL to continue my
studies and subsequently working. Bila ayah hantar aku ke bas stand untuk ke
KL to start my job, he said, " Bila kau ada masa cuti, balik jengok Mak.
Kalau ada duit lebih, bagi kat Mak sikit. Aku ni tak apa, tapi Mak tu, kau
telefon-telefon lah dia "When I had my first gaji ? aku bawak Mak shopping. Serupalah macam
iklan BCB tu. " Ambik, ambik SEMUA". Mak tersenyum aje.
In subsequent years, aku akan membelikan Mak baju, tudung, kain dan
barang-barang yang dia suka. Since I was travelling in my job that time,
aku sentiasa akan belikan souvenirs for her from wherever I went. Aku tahu
Mak bangga dengan pemberian aku sebab aku pernah dengar Makcik-Makcik kat
kampung during kenduri admiring her kain, her tudung , and she proudly
announced, " ni min belikan ".
But, umur Mak tak lama.
A few month selepas Mak balik dari Mekah, Mak was diagnosed with cancer.
Malignant melanoma. Mak was brought to KL for treatment because the
type cancer was rare in Malaysia. She was hospitalised in UH .
Four months after Mak was first diagnosed, we were summoned by the doctor.
The prognosis was not good. The cancer has spread to the lungs.
How long does she has, doctor ? "
Four months." the young doctor said quiet and me were stumped. Mak were out in the ward,
we were in one of the rooms.
DIE ????? I shouted to the doctor..doctor tuhan ke nak tentukan Mak saya mati bila.?
Masa tu maybe aku tak boleh terima berita yang hidup Mak tak lama, i was very sad.
Bila kami keluar dari bilik doctor,dad went to talk with my brother while I went to see Mak.
How, just HOW do you tell your mother that her days are numbered? I was not the touchy, feely type.
I never hugged my mother. Salam and kiss her hands yes, but never hugged.
But, at that moment ? I really, really wanted to hug her tight and tell her how much I loved her.
But, I didn't. Mak would suspect something amiss if I do that.
"Bila aku boleh keluar dari sini ? " Mak tanya aku. She missed home.
" Nanti doctor bagitahu "
I never told her of what the doctor said. I never knew if ayah ever did, because we never talked about death. Neither did she.
Four month now can you tell your mother how much you love her. How can you SHOW
her what she meant to you in FOUR months. How can you make her happy in the
last four months of her life? Tak sampai four months the next day she's albeit weaker and by then,
bed ridden.
Di sinilah aku nampak betapa mulianya seorang ibu .
The day came..
Mak was having trouble breathing masa aku balik rumah untuk mandi, ayah kata Mak nazak.Aku tengok nafas Mak shallow ? but she was
still conscious. Malam tu masa aku jaga mak seorang ..aku suruh mak ikut aku mengucap
" Mak, ikut saya ye. Ucap syahadah " Mak ikut.
Aku peluk Mak dan bisikkan " Mak, ampunkan dosa min dan halalkan makan minum min Mak"
Mak menghembuskan nafasnya yang terakhir pada usia 59 tahun masa tu aku 21 tahun.
I was too young to understand why did God create us and take our love one away.
zaman aku berbeza dengan zaman Mak ? tetapi foundationnya tetap sama.
Kasih sayang. Keikhlasan. Tanggungjawap.
Tiga factor yang pada aku amat penting di dalam peranan seorang ibu.
Kasih sayang yang tidak berbelah bagi (unconditional love), keikhlasan hati
sebagai ibu terhadap anak-anak dan tanggungjawap yang diberikan Tuhan
kepada amanahnya.
To me these three basic foundation aku cuba terapkan sebaik mungkin
sambil gunakan ilmu keibubapaan yang aku pelajari dan perhatikan bersesuaian
dengan zaman dan keadaan.
I am not a perfect person, what more a perfect parent. I
have never enjoyed my childhood and would love one day my children to have the
happiness that I never had.
But, God has His plans for me. All the dugaan that He
gave has made me stronger and more appreciative of what I STILL have.
"The Reason"
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
~sigh...i miss u mak and i wish ur here with me now.
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